They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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