I faked an abortion last night.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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