btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
