new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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