maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Your cock deserves a montage
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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