just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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