Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
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