You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
