Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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