My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
