I think I died a long time ago.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
