Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
