my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
is that a dick in a sweater?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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