just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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