Moan for me like Helen Keller
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
