He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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