I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
