We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Randomize
