I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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