I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
