Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
