I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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