Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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