I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
