Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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