He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
