I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
