so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
