I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
