We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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