I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
