Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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