If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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