my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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