We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
