awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
