your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
