By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
do nipples grow back?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
