We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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