I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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