he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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