You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
