bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
