hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
