I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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