My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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