Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
