He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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