Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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