the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
