There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
