Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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